Just what does The Greatest Self-Help Resource Evar have planned for you? Behold, and become beholden.

I know I'm definitely not alone in my opinion that most self-help gurus are some straaaaaange motherfuckers.

A great many are overpoweringly flowery. Practical ones will tell you to caress your inner child. The more ethereal talk and talk about nourishing your spirit to create more of a loving bond of oneness between your unique snowflake of a soul and the always-accepting, non-judgemental Universe.

I hate that kind of fag talk.

Or if they do somehow have one foot planted on solid ground, they're usually these insane type A personalities that have this manic obsession to get more done than any human being has ever accomplished in its lifetime. They'll bust tips like you should start taking your shits in the car on the way to work and throwing them out the window in order to save that five extra minutes in your day.

Hell, some even look like they aren't from this planet. The plastered-on smile, the crazed look in the eye... too well-scrubbed for their own good.... radiating what COULD perhaps be interpreted as actual joy... but despite this being the case, they're actually revolting to the average person since they come across like such monumental spazzes.

Because they're so bizarre, they make what they're selling -- which is often great advice that waaaaay more people need to wrap their head around and implement -- appear cheesy and douchey. I mean, really... who wants to be a cheesy douche? Perhaps you've tried their stuff before and since your mind couldn't stomach the "after" picture of that writer's demented visage on the front cover, it made damn sure to sabatoge your progress.

What would happen if said douche and cheese factor was negated? Could those who are fucked up then stop barfing long enough to listen and/or read, to be motivated to make the signficant changes that will change the course of their existence for good?

That is the mission of this website.

The Perfect Patient

In the immortal words of Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary, "I work with retards."

While I picture my ideal reader to be someone who wants to self-improve yet is nauseated by traditional self-help literature, I also see those who just haven't gotten much of anywhere reading that stuff in the frame as well. The rejects, the losers, the people who have tried to change over and over again and sucked hard.

If however you have a hard-on for some other guru out there (blasphemy!), this site can be used as an adjunct to whatever courses or teachings are your focus. Hmph, whatever bitch, I didn't think you were that hot anyway...

Those who are completely new to the game, this would be a great place to start.

The goal here isn't just to keep it realer. It's also to provide help to sad sacks in new and better ways, which I'll explain in the next section in my outline of what is to come.

First, let me clarify what types of mental retards I'm looking for. If you're batshit crazy, highly unstable, think you're going to hurt someone else or yourself, you need to get professional help. Perhaps I could cure you, but your kind wear folks out and then rip them a new one for all their trouble. You probably need a team. Your problems are huge. Treat your mental emergencies like you would your physical emergencies and get some goddamn real-world assistance.

The kinds of imbeciles I'm especially focused on are the terminally lethargic. Those who want to do all sorts of things in their lives and never get around to doing them. Wishing they had different personality traits that would make them a better person. 90 percent of the population, basically.

This place is for you. And since it's geared towards assisting the worst of the worst (that aren't emergency cases), those who are a little better off will get something out of it too.

Course Outline

The majority of the articles here will be very mindset-related, at least in the beginning. Different techniques and exercises on how to change your mental programming will be a focus, with not much hardcore action-related fare coming down the pike until much later. Lots of kung fu fights and explosions then.

Why so long? To quote ubernerd Albert Einstein, "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." As I illustrated in my first two wondrous articles, if you can acquire the mindset of a successful, motivated person before you undertake whatever it is you want to do, then success is much more likely. Take action with the crappy brain you got now, you may make some progress, but in most cases the slide back to what that brain was programmed for in the first place is inevitable.

I see myself as a gateway guru. I can translate foo-foo sounding ideas into a language that regular folk can understand. Who knows, maybe then they can go on to read some actual foo-foo and be able to translate it themselves, no longer upchucking at what used to come across as straight silliness. Or at least make the crux of what I'm throwing at them not seem so ridiculous.

I'll be sharing the best of the best of what I come across, from who I deem to be the best teachers in all the land, on top of other information that should be useful. I may share some of my own techniques as well, but since they are so much more amazing and earth shattering in their effectiveness, giving them away for free along with the others seems almost sacrilege. Those posts will in all likelihood cost $1000 per to read. Rah-rah speeches and tiny insights I might be persuaded to generously give away, however.

Some of you may realize after watching many of the videos that accompany each article that I have the greatest taste in music of all time. Stand up comedy, movie clips, and nuggets of teacherly wisdom will probably be featured. All shall be considered mindblowing.

The standard topics of self-improvement will probably be covered, all the classics. Usually with a bit of a different spin, most likely. I may feel it necessary to write off-topic here and there as well about whatever I damn please. These posts shall be worshipped in equal fashion.

Before I began this Great Undertaking I debated whether I was going to present this web site as "self-help" or "real-world spirituality". Because cult leaders get way more tail than dorky spazzes, it made the choice a bit of a conundrum.

In the end, I realized they're both one in the same. Fix what's wrong with yourself or your world, you get lifted a little higher.