It's time to remember what you already know, dipshit. And to maybe realize that changing your life isn't as difficult as some pussies may have cracked it up to be.


Months back I had a spirit-searing, quasi-scientific profound moment of clarity. Call it a re-realization. Something we all allegedly know, yet veer through life almost as if pretending we don't.

For a buttload of reasons I was at a real low point in my human journey here on this toilet Earth. Now I'm not searching for queer tears here, I'm just relaying the facts of how this all came about in my particular situation.

One of my top 3 favorite people in the world -- the person who I spent most of my time with --was dying. While this was happening, questions about money (not having enough, and foreseeing the little I did have would be drying up in the upcoming months), career and personal issues (WTF am I going to do with the rest of my life??) were intertwining and rearing their ugly, firebreathing heads.

Needless to say it was one of those periods where the size and scope of the problems coming at you seems like too much to take. I felt like run-over ass.

A couple weeks passed. I got real tired of feeling that way. Some months before the crapola storm had hit, I had begun to dabble in trying to change myself for the better. I started to do these fruity, New Age-y, I'm ok-you're-ok thinking exercises. That's right. Happy happy joy joy! Shut up.

Are you above such things, oh grizzled "real-worlder"? Yeah? I was too for a good long while. Well step back shit-sack, because I found they worked wonders. A few minutes of straightening out my thinking could shift my mood in an instant. Despite being so effing gay, they were easily the best tools I had found if you were interested at all in extracting the boatloads of crap you got brewing in your noggin.

When things got REAL bad however, I hadn't even considered using them. Hopelessness and helplessness had taken a complete hold of your newfound hero, rendering me into an even bigger 'gina than I had been previous. When the notion crossed my mind one day, I poo-poohed the possibility that these exercises could possibly stop my inner boo-hooing. Problems were simply too big, emotions too out of control, to be shut down with any sort of ease.

Eventually though, in a particularly painful moment, I said why not give them a whirl and see if they could help at least an iota or two.

About fifteen minutes later I had this near-uncontrollable urge to run outside and scream with joy as loud as I could from the rooftops:


Maybe you're like my neighbors and are yelling at me to shut the fuck up too.

Well bring it, puss. Because shut up I won't. It's about time that everyone on this godforsaken planet gets it through their head -- that everything they do BEGINS in their head-- so if you want to clean up that shitsty of a life you created for yourself and/or have had handed to you, the most important step is to merely get in the habit of non-fecal, positive thinking.

Now I'm not talking that Secret mumbo-jumbo where you spend all day in the lotus position picturing a Massarati filled with million dollar bills that will magically poof into existence right in front your door. I'm talking about fixing your pure, unadulterated logical train of thought that's behind all your ridiculous behavior. The programming code of your mind -- how you've been taught/conditioned to react and respond to everything in your environment. What you like. What you hate. What makes you obsess like a ninny. Lucky for us we have the ability to change that programming. Ourselves.

Riddle me this, moron-- the logical train of thought steps you have in conjunction with beliefs like "I'm fat", "I'm lazy", "Aw shit, there's no way I can possibly do that, it's too hard" -- where does that track lead? If those ideas about yourself are welded into you, and you believe them with almost every fiber of your being -- how the FUCK are you ever going to succeed (i.e. become skinny, actually [gasp!] ENJOY your work, accomplish what is entirely possible) whenever you attempt to change -- if the generator of all your action (your goofnut brain) is plotting a course on a track in the opposite direction? To be angry and disgusted by your eventual failure is like getting pissed off that Half-Life 2 wasn't the result of the Pac-Man code you spent eons typing into your computer. Your goals and your operating instructions simply don't match up.

Because you're way stupider than any computer, you can't just type what you want changed about yourself once and be done with it. Which is why most people who try to fix themselves in any way get frustrated, quit, and accept their more turdy side as their "real" identity for the rest of their life. A true understanding of the process escapes them. You can't approach human hardware the same exact way you would a Mac. That said however, there is a key similarity. And it's simple as hell:

If you change your mental program, then your behaviors have no choice but to change as well.

Let's take a quick look at your mental operating system and what's necessary to make it work for you, instead of against you.

I invite (well, re-invite) you on the most important journey you can ever undertake in this lifetime: the quest to de-toolbag yourself.

How Your Toilety, Toilety Mind Works

We've all been there before. You've seen a movie, read a book, or have had some incident occur that has a significant, profound impact on you -- where afterward you're left with such a powerful inspiration to make a significant and dramatic change to your life. Oh how you feel that fresh, mighty wind in your sails. Things are going to be so different now! You see the light, for it hath shined as the brightest beacon that's ever illuminated your world -- bathed it in a truth that is both at once undeniable, and unforgettable...

A couple hours later you've resumed strangling innocent babies and backhanding the elderly at the slightest provocation. Hating yourself all the way.

The next time that happens, relax loser. Your inferior brain simply isn't designed for you to live a happy, logical life. At least not yet.

I'm going to try to keep the explanation so simple that even a freaking Pollack can understand.

Your mind consists of two main parts. The first is the conscious mind. This is where all the thinking that you're aware of goes on. It's mostly concerned in dealing with your day-to-day problems and trying to come up with solutions-- figuring out what you need to get done, where you need to go, gauging how you are feeling, how to get what you want, etc. Pragmatic stuff.

The second part is the subconscious, or "automatic" part of your mind, comprised of all of the thoughts you don't have to directly think about for action to take place: your heartbeat and breathing are controlled here; it is also the warehouse for all the operating instructions behind your engrained personal habits and beliefs (i.e. tying your shoes, thinking Britney Spears iz teh awsomes!). The overwhelming majority of your thought processes are of this variety.

The conscious mind is where all the programming of habits and beliefs for the eventual automatic handling of the subconscious mind goes down. Which habits and beliefs to be installed there are all decided (in essence) by you, the conscious "aware" you. You tell yourself what is important and what isn't. After enough repetition of either actively doing a task and/or figuring out what you believe about something, your mind will go on autopilot and you no longer have to use up your conscious mental energy to deal with it anymore. What was once a decision -- or very often a struggle -- is now a streamy breeze. One that doesn't even come into your awareness.

An example? (::thinking to myself:: Hmm... forget Pollacks, it's got to be simple enough for a goddamn CHICK to understand... yet not be something that will daunt the even less manlier sissymary dudes who are into self-help that may have clicked here as well... AH-HA, I KNOW!) Take learning how to type. When you're a beginner you have to focus non-stop about where your hands are positioned and where the fuck your fingers are flying all over the place. It's difficult to hit the right keys in the right sequence. You curse, you scream, you throw the keyboard out the fucking window. But as you continue to practice and practice inevitably you don't have to think about the logistics of typing much at all. Almost your entire conscious attention can be placed on whatever retarded ideas you're attempting to compose into grossly illogical/grammatically malformed sentences and paragraphs, not the typing itself. Typing becomes, hmm... "natural".

Incorporating any new habits of belief work the very same way. Repetition is most often the key. You can't just see some movie or read some flowery self-help jargon and expect to change overnight. How many years have you been acting like a jackass? That's some pretty engrained shit right there. You might want to give it more than an afternoon to try and correct that before you throw a hissy fit. Or twenty.

Fortunately and unfortunately, your physical habits and your thought habits are interelated. Fortunately for you you have come here to have My wondrous knowledge bestowed upon thee so that you will no longer be another unfortunate victim of ignorance ever again. At least if you can concentrate enough to read this: If you want to change anything at all about yourself, your primary focus should be on changing your beliefs. Why this isn't stressed more in all the gillions of self-help products out there is a mind-blowing mystery to me.

If you believe that you're a big bloated cow and you believe deep down that you always will be a big bloated cow for any number of reasons you think why, guess what? No matter how tough you may be when you take on your next excruciating diet and weight loss regimen, if no change occurs between your ears during, YOU. WILL. FAIL. Your mind will detect the error ("Why the fuck am I exercising and eating nothing but goddamned wheat germ every day when I know this is hopeless?"). It will look at your new list of commands for yourself to do and scream ERROR when trying to merge them to work in conjunction with the instructions of your earlier implanted bloated-cow inner programming.

Your old habits will return, and order will be restored.

(For the love of Christ someone direct Oprah here, STAT!)

This being the Fast Food (aka Fat Lazy Bastard) Generation, I know most you must be looking for the quick answers right about now. In the next section I'll show you how to get a stronger mental hold on the smaller problems that confound you in an instant. No money down.

Hold On To Your Junk

The process I am about to reveal to you is the most powerful ever created in human history. I channeled it from ancient Viking monks who devoted their lives to the unending pursuit of Common Sense. They picked Me to share their Sacred Knowledge with the world.

This process is trademarked and patented; I normally license out its usage rights to selected recipients to the tune of around 10 grand a year. Since I am such a Benevolent Spirit however, I shall Allow you to use it free of Charge for 30 days. However, if my Lawyers catch wind that you are still using it past this Allotted Period, be certain that they will rain down a wrath of Legal Hell on you for the rest of your days that will cause you to feel nothing except extraordinary relief once it is time for you to cross over and receive your eternal spiritual damnation.

The technique is called The Dumbass Intervention Method (DIM). DIM consists of five steps:

Step # 1: Identify the problem. Pick something small, say a task that doesn't cause an intense emotional reaction, yet is still something that you struggle to complete. The example we'll be using is picking up dog crap. If you were raped while picking up dog crap, choose something else.

Step # 2: Clear your mind. Refuse to think those negative thoughts or feel those negative feelings that come to you when you picture yourself doing this task. Take 5 slow, deep breaths. As you do, pretend your brain has been shut off. You know, like when you're talking to people.

Step # 3: Commit to only thinking positive thoughts about the task at hand. Remember, no negativity allowed -- or at least dwelled upon. Only focus on why you would love picking up the dog crap and/or why it would be benefical for you to do so, e.g:

  • "I love my dog so much, I don't mind being its bitch at all!"
  • "The smell IS enchanting..."
  • "I'll feel much better about myself if I do SOMETHING today..."
  • "Bending down and scooping would actually be a great workout for me..."
  • "Soon I'll have the biggest collection in town!"

Feel those good feelings in your chest. Don't lie to yourself, make them real. Breathe in deep. Magnify those good feelings to twice their size.

Step # 4: Picture the task as already completed. The job is done! Feel how awesome it feels to have it in your rear view window. Picture what you're freed up to do now. Breathe in deep and amplify that positive emotion within you once more. Remember, don't fake. Burst with doody ecstasy.

Step # 5: Run and complete the task with a joyous exuberance that freaks everybody out. I am not liable if you're arrested.

You might be real surprised at the results. Sometimes when I do this I find my subconsious has pushed me into beginning before my previously scheduled conscous commitment to start! I get lost in thought, and all of a sudden I find myself walking toward the goal. Trippy.

Looking at it from a logical perspective though, as in how the human machine operates... what else could happen? If all the negative programming is flushed, and there's nothing but positive instructions are there to take it's place... what else can the computer do?

No, I'm not suggesting you turn into an automaton. But I definitely think you should acknowledge the machine-like aspect that is a part of you. So you can learn how to control your silly self, ironically enough. To go where you want to go.

Some of you must be saying, "Picking up dog crap??? C'mon A-Hole! Help me offa this CRACK, dammit!!!" Bigger problems in general are accompanied by big emotions. Big emotions are like supercharged thoughts. Often it takes awhile to chop those big oak trees down.

Not that the process would be much different than this however. You could use DIM to work on bigger issues. But doing so could very well take you past your allotted free 30 day trial, ergo make sure you have enough Lifetime Savings in the ol' Bank Account to Pay Up if this becomes your choice.


Deep down, I know I can't write anything that will heal all the mental problems overnight for the legions of short-bus masses that read this, no matter how mind-blowingly brilliant I may be. This pains me deeply. 'Cause damn, imagine how crazy rich I'd be if that were possible. Alas, the efficacy of this masterpiece is diminished all too harshly by the cold truths of reality.

For a small percentage of you, sure, this slice of immense genius will be enough. For the overwhelming majority, it will not. Oh, the same spark might come alive. The same realization might take place in those that are able to transform for good. But most will just finish this article and say to themselves, "Yeah, that's what I've got to remember to keep in mind more..." As it falls out, never to be recovered again. The more brazen will scoff, "No shit Sherlock!" Then continue to live their lives the same way they always have. In complete and utter betrayal of that alleged awareness.

No one's blaming you. 'Tardy is as 'tardy does.

You've been poisoned.

I have decided upon a more moderate goal for my wondrous ramblings.

All I want is from now on, if we part ways from here on out and you go on to continue to eat shit along your particular life's path until the day you die, is this: when that shit-eating occurs, for you to be consciously aware that your thoughts took you there, and are taking you wherever you go. That they can be changed, and your life can be changed, if you consciously fill your head on a continual basis with those thoughts you would rather think instead. To think a better thought, over and over and over again is the way to create the better mind, aka better habitual thinking, that will lead you to the life you're dying to live.

When I first was told this, it opened up a glowing new door of realization to me. Change no longer seemed impossible. It no longer meant banging my head against the wall trying to incorporate new behaviors that I went through the motions doing because I hated and despised them, until I thankfully quit and returned to the old ones I detested less. At least when I fail now, I can go, shit, I don't have my head right enough yet. And that really means so much. No more mystery about what's the problem, or beating yourself up.

If your life means anything to you, don't ever forget this.

Oh yeah. I do have another ancillary goal: that this message is spread to everybody in the world.

Think about it. How much better would things be if when people had to overcome difficulities we actually focused on fixing their minds, instead of giving them advice equivalent to "Man up, pussy" or "Just do it" bullcrap?? Despite some progress, isn't that really either the prevalent spoken or disguised belief behind how almost all of humankind works still? Outside of some egghead therapist's office who you've got to pay a hundred bucks an hour to treat you different, of course.

Is it still hard to see that focusing on what your mind is doing is the ultimate solution? Or is it all getting clearer? Does the leap toward what you want to become still look as large as it did, Earthings? DO YOU FEEL THE TREMENDOUS POWER I'M TRYING TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE?? ARE YOU JUST GOING TO READ THIS AND FUCKING FORGET HOW FUCKING EMPOWERED YOU FEEL, LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING TIME YOU'VE BEEN INSPIRED??? OR ARE YOU GOING TO FINALLY TRY AND MAKE HOW YOU FEEL AND THINK RIGHT NOW A PERMANENT PART OF YOU????????

Keep coming back here, I'll keep fucking reminding you. And show you the best ways I know of to help make that stick.

You know when you feel you're heading for your doom. You also know you have within you what it takes to do a 180. The choice is yours, however unconscious you may have relegated it at some point in the past. It doesn't have to be. If you deem the decision important enough.

Or is this it? Continuing on this same course, Harnessed In your literal and figurative Slums until you're sitting around old and gray, still hoping to win some sort of lotto that will fix all your problems -- while the fortunate uppity spazzes who have all the right connections and were lucky enough to have a decent mental upbringing keep on winning everything you really wanted instead, laughing in your face as they do?

Fuck that. You're getting out. Because A-Hole loves you.

The thought revolution begins NOW. With you.

Is waste really all you want?