The A-Hole Guru
Make Up Your Mind.

A neccessary realization you should have, before you try to change yourself for the "better".

When The A-Hole decided to come down from the heavens to save the world, he had an Epiphany that made him almost rise back up immediately after his decension upon this mental asylum of a planet.

You people love your lives just the way they are.

That's right, love. Not like. Not tolerate.


I'll save my reasoning for categorizing it as such for the end of the article. 'Til then, let's just agree that you have all sorts of internal mechanisms within you that are dedicated to your preservation. While most associate these types of defenses as only dealing with your physical self, your brain is also hard-wired to protect your psychological self as well. No big shock really, since your personality is every bit as much of "you" as your body, if not more. Alas.

Here are some of the ways your mind tricks you into always sticking with the status quo.

If you stay here, you are safe and secure.

That feeling of danger you feel when you try to change, the fear of the new, that is something you won't have to encounter. All is well, and all will stay well, as long as you don't stray from the path too far.

You get to be the victim. You don't have to take any more responsibility than you have now. I mean, seriously, in all those horror movies, wouldn't you rather be one of the teens who get chopped up and murdered? All they have to do is show up and bone down. Meanwhile Jason Vorhees has to stay up all night, stalk his prey down outside in the cold, figure out ways to get inside his intended target's vicinity undetected so they can jiggle mightily in fear, and then kill them in some creative fashion. Then eventually COME BACK FROM THE DEAD. Who needs all that shit? Checkmate.

You don't have to lose. You don't have to get rejected. Come in... the water's nice.

If you stay here, you're cool.

So many problems are considered "cool" to have. Isn't that how you got into drugs or alcohol in the first place? And book learnin', daymn nigga, that's for dipshits. Being a gangsta, why that shows you're tough. You keep it on the rizzeal. And your cracker emo friends aren't going to approve if you stop thinking whining is cool, are they?

Underneath all the hype it's often still a victim mentality, only with a high five thrown in for a job well done.

Not in all cases, however. As you grow older 401Ks and home ownership become cool... somehow. Can't let your freak flag fly in Honkyland. The city will come by and tell you to take it down because it doesn't conform with the look of the rest of the houses in the neighborhood.

And golly gee willickers, what would Douglas and Marcy think if we started having weekend orgies?

The question stems from a worry about safety and security, socialwise. The answer to that question, sticking with what is, provides that social safety and security net, along with a slap on the back for validation.

I see you when you get it. Your eyes light up so big.

If you stay here, you'll continue to get what you deserve.

Do you really believe you should be some big superstar, or someone even moderately successful? Come on now. You know deep down that there are so many more people out there that work way harder than you do. You think it'd be right if you got what you wanted and not them? Uh, especially considering how you've acted in other ways, in the past?

You know that this right here is all that you should have. Otherwise why wouldn't you have put your foot down and said no to it all already?

If you stay here, you get to be right.

You're not correct about a whole lot of things, but you can sure as hell be right if you agree with this: you're a fuckup. Or maybe that's a term you reserve for the people who are "holding you back". Don't you realize there's a part of you that smiles when they prove to you what jackasses they are? Or when things don't work out for you, i.e. circumstances arise that prevent you from doing what you claimed you wanted to do?

Hooray, you get to stay home.

Certainty is a beautiful thing, isn't it. And there's no surer bet in life than putting your money down on the fact that you're going to lose. The fix is in.

The Reasons

So you're probably saying, "Alright A-Hole, you've raped me with your crotch-bulging wisdom. I see what I'm up against. But I don't LOVE this shithole of a life I complain incessently about. C'mon, that's just a fucking dumb thing to say."

I'll say it again. Yeah, you do.

Have you ever been in a dysfunctional relationship? Oh how that person can make you yell and scream, or at least want to. You fight all the time, or perhaps just silently pissy. Maybe they have done things that have hurt you real bad. Maybe you've been cheated on, or have had money stolen from you.

They've hurt you deeply. Your co-existence has been uncomfortable, almost unbearable at times. Yet if someone asked you if you loved them, your answer would still be yes.

If you haven't experienced this firsthand, unless you're from Mars you know somebody who has. And that's just the kind of relationship you have with your current life.

It nourishes you like a mother. It protects you like a father, or perhaps your mother's alcoholic boyfriend. And you, in turn, have stayed devoted to it for years like a married partner.

Perverse? Whatever freak, I call em as I see em.

The Answers

So yeah, now you know what you're up against. That's why any significant change you try to make is rough stuff. You love where you are currently more than anywhere else you could be. Most of that is due to the fear of what's on the other side, or the fear the journey to that other side. You get most of your needs and desires met by your current life (or at least the most important ones -- deemed by you, seen in the reflection of your choices), even if some don't even come close to being satisfied.

The total package, purchased every day mostly because of the familiarity and dependability, you see as the best buy in town. The costs involved in getting one of those other lives you always have an eye on are simply too much, in your estimation.

What's next? Who knows, maybe all you need to do is reconcile with the fact that no life will ever be perfect -- that there will always be a price tag. Maybe you can learn to just love your current life more. It may not be so bad. Even if the downside may look horrible to most people, it could be something that's no biggie for you to deal with, and what you get back in positive return holds more value for you than most others.

Whichever way you choose, it's always best to remember how much your current road has meant to you. Out of all the possibilities out there, this is the one you've selected. Every day it's been the winner, because every day, you've voted for it again and again. It's made you who you are, the good along with the crap. You've become the person you've secretly most wanted to become.

You've enjoyed the ride, in all its whopping imperfection.

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Website Syllabus

By The A-Hole Guru

Just what does The Greatest Self-Help Resource Evar have planned for you? Behold, and become beholden.

I know I'm definitely not alone in my opinion that most self-help gurus are some straaaaaange motherfuckers.

A great many are overpoweringly flowery. Practical ones will tell you to caress your inner child. The more ethereal talk and talk about nourishing your spirit to create more of a loving bond of oneness between your unique snowflake of a soul and the always-accepting, non-judgemental Universe.

I hate that kind of fag talk.

Or if they do somehow have one foot planted on solid ground, they're usually these insane type A personalities that have this manic obsession to get more done than any human being has ever accomplished in its lifetime. They'll bust tips like you should start taking your shits in the car on the way to work and throwing them out the window in order to save that five extra minutes in your day.

Hell, some even look like they aren't from this planet. The plastered-on smile, the crazed look in the eye... too well-scrubbed for their own good.... radiating what COULD perhaps be interpreted as actual joy... but despite this being the case, they're actually revolting to the average person since they come across like such monumental spazzes.

Because they're so bizarre, they make what they're selling -- which is often great advice that waaaaay more people need to wrap their head around and implement -- appear cheesy and douchey. I mean, really... who wants to be a cheesy douche? Perhaps you've tried their stuff before and since your mind couldn't stomach the "after" picture of that writer's demented visage on the front cover, it made damn sure to sabatoge your progress.

What would happen if said douche and cheese factor was negated? Could those who are fucked up then stop barfing long enough to listen and/or read, to be motivated to make the signficant changes that will change the course of their existence for good?

That is the mission of this website.

The Perfect Patient

In the immortal words of Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary, "I work with retards."

While I picture my ideal reader to be someone who wants to self-improve yet is nauseated by traditional self-help literature, I also see those who just haven't gotten much of anywhere reading that stuff in the frame as well. The rejects, the losers, the people who have tried to change over and over again and sucked hard.

If however you have a hard-on for some other guru out there (blasphemy!), this site can be used as an adjunct to whatever courses or teachings are your focus. Hmph, whatever bitch, I didn't think you were that hot anyway...

Those who are completely new to the game, this would be a great place to start.

The goal here isn't just to keep it realer. It's also to provide help to sad sacks in new and better ways, which I'll explain in the next section in my outline of what is to come.

First, let me clarify what types of mental retards I'm looking for. If you're batshit crazy, highly unstable, think you're going to hurt someone else or yourself, you need to get professional help. Perhaps I could cure you, but your kind wear folks out and then rip them a new one for all their trouble. You probably need a team. Your problems are huge. Treat your mental emergencies like you would your physical emergencies and get some goddamn real-world assistance.

The kinds of imbeciles I'm especially focused on are the terminally lethargic. Those who want to do all sorts of things in their lives and never get around to doing them. Wishing they had different personality traits that would make them a better person. 90 percent of the population, basically.

This place is for you. And since it's geared towards assisting the worst of the worst (that aren't emergency cases), those who are a little better off will get something out of it too.

Course Outline

The majority of the articles here will be very mindset-related, at least in the beginning. Different techniques and exercises on how to change your mental programming will be a focus, with not much hardcore action-related fare coming down the pike until much later. Lots of kung fu fights and explosions then.

Why so long? To quote ubernerd Albert Einstein, "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." As I illustrated in my first two wondrous articles, if you can acquire the mindset of a successful, motivated person before you undertake whatever it is you want to do, then success is much more likely. Take action with the crappy brain you got now, you may make some progress, but in most cases the slide back to what that brain was programmed for in the first place is inevitable.

I see myself as a gateway guru. I can translate foo-foo sounding ideas into a language that regular folk can understand. Who knows, maybe then they can go on to read some actual foo-foo and be able to translate it themselves, no longer upchucking at what used to come across as straight silliness. Or at least make the crux of what I'm throwing at them not seem so ridiculous.

I'll be sharing the best of the best of what I come across, from who I deem to be the best teachers in all the land, on top of other information that should be useful. I may share some of my own techniques as well, but since they are so much more amazing and earth shattering in their effectiveness, giving them away for free along with the others seems almost sacrilege. Those posts will in all likelihood cost $1000 per to read. Rah-rah speeches and tiny insights I might be persuaded to generously give away, however.

Some of you may realize after watching many of the videos that accompany each article that I have the greatest taste in music of all time. Stand up comedy, movie clips, and nuggets of teacherly wisdom will probably be featured. All shall be considered mindblowing.

The standard topics of self-improvement will probably be covered, all the classics. Usually with a bit of a different spin, most likely. I may feel it necessary to write off-topic here and there as well about whatever I damn please. These posts shall be worshipped in equal fashion.

Before I began this Great Undertaking I debated whether I was going to present this web site as "self-help" or "real-world spirituality". Because cult leaders get way more tail than dorky spazzes, it made the choice a bit of a conundrum.

In the end, I realized they're both one in the same. Fix what's wrong with yourself or your world, you get lifted a little higher.


Like way, way before. What if you were told that you could focus on changing your thoughts and not worry about the behaviors you're trying to fix for awhile, and still make substantial progress... if not more? The A-Hole Guru shoves another M-80 of megainsight up your keister and covers his ears.

See, the problem with self-help books is that they're always trying to get you to DO shit.

Open up almost any one of them, and they're screaming at you, "GET THE FUCK UP OFF THAT COUCH AND GRAB LIFE BY THE COLLAR AND RAM ITS FUCKING HEAD THROUGH THE WALL!" Or something like that.

Oh, it's an admirable thing I suppose. Truth be told, there is absolutely nothing like taking action that will propel you towards your goal. Can't win that gangbanging title by only thinking about it, ladies.

However, like so often in life, there are complications that arise that probably make action-taking not the thing to be stressed.

That's right.

Why? Most of the people who read self-help are friggin stuck in the mud. After all, THAT'S WHY THEY BOUGHT YOUR CRAP. You don't think they've ever been inspired to jump right into what they want to do before they picked up YOUR sacred tome, Mr. Self-Righteous Author?

How far did that take them?

It is rather pompous to think that your rah-rah-go-get-em speech will have any lasting affect on all but a sliver of your audience.

Maybe you're ok with those statistics. I could see how an argument could be made for your case. You're helping those who want to be and can be helped the most.

What about all those others though? You know, the majority. Isn't there some way to TAKE them to that tipping point as well?

Inspiring someone to jump into the battlefield after only spending a small time learning almost seems like a cruel joke. "GO FOR IT! YOU CAN DO IT! ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE! ...OOPS!"

And what about certain types of goals where a person has a limited number of shots, OR MAYBE EVEN ONLY ONE, to make good? Say, a business venture of some sort. Wouldn't it be better to not taint your brand by making some dopey mistakes that could have been avoided by not rushing in right away? Get inspired enough, you might run out there and generate a whole lot of absolutely horrific word of mouth that could inspire the immediate death blow for your dream. But hey, you tried. You did your best.

And your best sucked.

"Come on, go ask out that girl you've been dreaming about humping for forever! Time's a-wastin'! Who cares if you're frightening to talk to, GET OUT THERE! CARPE DIEM!!! ...What? Oh... aw shit, sorry man."

Some things should not be hurried. I'm sure some self-help authors would retort, "Well, just because we strongly encourage taking action doesn't mean we endorse biting off more than you can chew. A person starting their own business should learn how to promote themselves properly first. The kid in love should probably practice asking others out on dates before he approaches the girl who means the most to him." Sometimes these addendums are attached to their advice, sometimes they are not.

Either way, they don't matter. It all amounts to the same damn result, most often. Practicing and learning, taking those slow action steps... that very often lead to the same type of slaughter. Because the person after going through those steps is all too often still too similar to the person that was there before they were undertaken.

There are fundamental flaws deep inside many, (if not most) people that tiny successes will not cure. Old sucky mental programming can sabatoge any and all progress.

How? In my first article I imparted how the overwhelming number of your thought processes are of the subconscious variety. You're not even aware of them, these things that control so many of your beliefs. As you try to act on new ones, "rookie beliefs" you might call them, on the playing field of your mind (meaning they aren't really even true beliefs yet) -- get their asses handed to them, chewed up and spit out by those old, seasoned vets who have been running the joint for years.

Wishy-washy hypotheses like "I think I can run my own business" or "I think I can ask Paris to go to McDonald's with me" get their asses sown to their face by "I am a whopping, mind-blowing imbecile".

What if you could re-wire yourself to a significant degree, get things right on that mental playing field first... before you ever placed a foot on the field of reality? Wouldn't it be easier to wrestle with your mind beforehand, rather than wrestling with it in the heat of fucking battle... where your hard-wired responses are pre-programmed to be poor?

Good news. You can.

Mental Rehearsal

Here's some info that might blow your nuts off.

Once upon a time there was a physiologist named Edmund Jacobson. He conducted a study where he had test subjects visualize that they were performing athletic activities. He discovered that the muscles usually involved in these activities would still be activated when merely visualizing them in the mind. The level of increased electricity measured in these muscles was small -- after all, the subjects were just fucking sitting there -- but increased nonetheless.

Later, Aussie psychologist Alan Richardson conducted his own experiment. He took a bunch of basketball players and seperated them into three groups. The first group practiced free throws for twenty minutes a day, for twenty days. The second group, they only shot on the first and last days of the the study. The third only visualized practicing free throws, no time playing with their balls as well.

The results? The first group that practiced each day showed a 24 percent improvement. The second group that didn't practice or visualize, they didn't improve at all. The third group that only practiced in their head?

23 percent improvement.

For mental rehearsal to work, you need to picture it in extreme detail. The players that mentally rehearsed in the Richardson study heard the bouncing of the ball, imagined the feel of the ball in their hands, gauged just how much force would be needed as they stared at the target from the free throw line. They saw themselves launching the ball in perfect form, the net swishing as the ball sailed through the rim.

For this technique it appears that SOME hands on experience is required for maximum effect. Note that the subjects were already basketball players. So it would be best if you had some knowledge of all the practical ins and outs of what you want to do in order to create a more vivid mental experience.

Which means yes, knowing how to shoot free throws beforehand would help immensely. But having to invest as much time in the gym to try and be crowned champion of that free throw shooting contest down the line? Not necessary.

Changing Your Perspective

Being able to see things in a different way beforehand can save you a whole lot of pain in the long run. A shift in consciousness can make the struggle to change almost nonexistent sometimes.

A shift in consciousness is the point of therapy, essentially. You jibberjabber about your problems, then therapist almighty suggests ways of looking at your problems differently. Armed with your less shittier outlook, you are able to deal with your problems in a more productive way.

Strong consciousness shifts can happen in the real world as well. Like say a father who finds his kid's pot stash. He confronts the kid. "Who taught you how to do this stuff?" he angrily demands. "FROM YOU, ALRIGHT!" the kid screams back. "I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!"

Well, actually that's not a real-world example at all. It's one of those cheesy drug PSAs from the 80s. Had it been real however, and maybe if the drug involved was actually harmful, the power of that moment might've been enough to change the father's ways for good.

A fatty might see a parent, or worse -- a friend, dying of lard-related causes. A dietary change could be almost effortless for some to make facing the reality of that situation.

That is sure some high-priced perspective though, ain't it? Most people aren't "lucky" enough to have these kind of motivators cracking the whip at their assholes. So what do you do then dammit?

Well, you could dedicate yourself to visualizing ugly scenarios about the ramifications of what would happen if you continue on the same course you're been on -- again making it rich with detail (especially the emotions involved). As well as also picturing in great detail how wonderful life would be if you took the new course you've been plotting.

You could seek out more info. Information that SUPPORTS what you want to do. It's out there. Then constantly refer to it in your mind. A smoker who keeps reminding himself about the gillion of people who die a year from lung cancer, recalls the family members who have died because they weren't able to quit, focuses on how his hacking cough is getting worse and worse is a smoker who will have much more difficulty lighting up.

Yeah, so often the information isn't in some book, it can easily be found in your environment or your own innate wisdom. Take Laqueesha, who wants to end her relationship with her boyfriend so badly but can't find it within herself to make the break. So much of the focus of her thinking is centered on the good times they shared. If she put more emphasis on the bad -- how he'd grab her head and fart in her face in front of his friends, or piss in her drink when she wasn't looking -- the decision would be a lot easier.

Finally she gets up the nerve and kicks him to the curb. Months later, bumping into him on the street, the silliness of what a no-brainer that decision should've been becomes apparent. She doesn't miss him at all, because she's moved on. The things he did that she enjoyed are being done better by someone else, and the ridiculousness of how wrong he treated her is now glaringly obvious.

If she found that perspective BEFORE she wanted to break up with him, she wouldn't have wasted an entire year accepting intolerable behavior.

Changing Your Identity

Your identity is the most important perspective you have to fix, most friggin likely. How you view yourself. What you feel is possible that you can truly accomplish.

An overwhelming majority of people are self-limiting bastards. Just about everything outside of their basic realm of existence is impossible for them to fathom doing or having. In reality there's almost always so much more.

Self esteem is often a significant issue. Aw shit, I suck. You HAVE to get that under control if you're going to be successful at what you do. While it's true taking some action might increase your confidence, it may not be enough. If your poor self-image has tainted other facets of your life, chances are it'll piss on any new one as well.

What happens to the businessman who believes he sucks at business? Most likely goes out of business, or at least does poorly, no matter how much training he gets. Or the boy who thinks there's no way in the world the girl of his wet dreams could dig him? He probably isn't able to prove to her otherwise. The smoker who believes he doesn't have the willpower to quit? Odds are he stays smokey.

Your identity is the root of the glorious plant that is you. It is from which everything else springs. If the roots are infected it will infect other parts of the plant that come forthwith, aka whichever ways you try to grow. Shit won't work right.

Going back to the Laqueesha example, and how she was torn in two about dumping her awesome man-catch... within her was that voice that told her what she needed to do, the "good" voice. Even if you're not split down the middle, maybe you're getting your ass kicked in more like a 25/75 or 5/95 ratio -- there is always that little voice in your head that is truly on your side, however small, that offers up all the positive bullshit you ever need to overcome what you have to. The most important thing you need to do is recognize is that it ain't bullshit.

If you could magnify that little voice within you, that really believes you can do it... how much better could you be?

And, best of all... how much easier would it be to change then?

Focus on making that voice grow by repeating the thoughts it offers up, those ones that you would like to have. New thinking habits will form and become a part of you. A new you will be formed. Then you will be much more able to handle the challenges that come your way, instead of being much more susceptible to them defeating you.


bang or BANG!!!!!!!!!!

A mind that shows up divided amongst itself to perform a task is like a Wet Firecracker. Diluted. Maybe it'll go off, but the pop often isn't going to be as powerful.

Or maybe it won't ever go off at all.


It's time to remember what you already know, dipshit. And to maybe realize that changing your life isn't as difficult as some pussies may have cracked it up to be.


Months back I had a spirit-searing, quasi-scientific profound moment of clarity. Call it a re-realization. Something we all allegedly know, yet veer through life almost as if pretending we don't.

For a buttload of reasons I was at a real low point in my human journey here on this toilet Earth. Now I'm not searching for queer tears here, I'm just relaying the facts of how this all came about in my particular situation.

One of my top 3 favorite people in the world -- the person who I spent most of my time with --was dying. While this was happening, questions about money (not having enough, and foreseeing the little I did have would be drying up in the upcoming months), career and personal issues (WTF am I going to do with the rest of my life??) were intertwining and rearing their ugly, firebreathing heads.

Needless to say it was one of those periods where the size and scope of the problems coming at you seems like too much to take. I felt like run-over ass.

A couple weeks passed. I got real tired of feeling that way. Some months before the crapola storm had hit, I had begun to dabble in trying to change myself for the better. I started to do these fruity, New Age-y, I'm ok-you're-ok thinking exercises. That's right. Happy happy joy joy! Shut up.

Are you above such things, oh grizzled "real-worlder"? Yeah? I was too for a good long while. Well step back shit-sack, because I found they worked wonders. A few minutes of straightening out my thinking could shift my mood in an instant. Despite being so effing gay, they were easily the best tools I had found if you were interested at all in extracting the boatloads of crap you got brewing in your noggin.

When things got REAL bad however, I hadn't even considered using them. Hopelessness and helplessness had taken a complete hold of your newfound hero, rendering me into an even bigger 'gina than I had been previous. When the notion crossed my mind one day, I poo-poohed the possibility that these exercises could possibly stop my inner boo-hooing. Problems were simply too big, emotions too out of control, to be shut down with any sort of ease.

Eventually though, in a particularly painful moment, I said why not give them a whirl and see if they could help at least an iota or two.

About fifteen minutes later I had this near-uncontrollable urge to run outside and scream with joy as loud as I could from the rooftops:


Maybe you're like my neighbors and are yelling at me to shut the fuck up too.

Well bring it, puss. Because shut up I won't. It's about time that everyone on this godforsaken planet gets it through their head -- that everything they do BEGINS in their head-- so if you want to clean up that shitsty of a life you created for yourself and/or have had handed to you, the most important step is to merely get in the habit of non-fecal, positive thinking.

Now I'm not talking that Secret mumbo-jumbo where you spend all day in the lotus position picturing a Massarati filled with million dollar bills that will magically poof into existence right in front your door. I'm talking about fixing your pure, unadulterated logical train of thought that's behind all your ridiculous behavior. The programming code of your mind -- how you've been taught/conditioned to react and respond to everything in your environment. What you like. What you hate. What makes you obsess like a ninny. Lucky for us we have the ability to change that programming. Ourselves.

Riddle me this, moron-- the logical train of thought steps you have in conjunction with beliefs like "I'm fat", "I'm lazy", "Aw shit, there's no way I can possibly do that, it's too hard" -- where does that track lead? If those ideas about yourself are welded into you, and you believe them with almost every fiber of your being -- how the FUCK are you ever going to succeed (i.e. become skinny, actually [gasp!] ENJOY your work, accomplish what is entirely possible) whenever you attempt to change -- if the generator of all your action (your goofnut brain) is plotting a course on a track in the opposite direction? To be angry and disgusted by your eventual failure is like getting pissed off that Half-Life 2 wasn't the result of the Pac-Man code you spent eons typing into your computer. Your goals and your operating instructions simply don't match up.

Because you're way stupider than any computer, you can't just type what you want changed about yourself once and be done with it. Which is why most people who try to fix themselves in any way get frustrated, quit, and accept their more turdy side as their "real" identity for the rest of their life. A true understanding of the process escapes them. You can't approach human hardware the same exact way you would a Mac. That said however, there is a key similarity. And it's simple as hell:

If you change your mental program, then your behaviors have no choice but to change as well.

Let's take a quick look at your mental operating system and what's necessary to make it work for you, instead of against you.

I invite (well, re-invite) you on the most important journey you can ever undertake in this lifetime: the quest to de-toolbag yourself.

How Your Toilety, Toilety Mind Works

We've all been there before. You've seen a movie, read a book, or have had some incident occur that has a significant, profound impact on you -- where afterward you're left with such a powerful inspiration to make a significant and dramatic change to your life. Oh how you feel that fresh, mighty wind in your sails. Things are going to be so different now! You see the light, for it hath shined as the brightest beacon that's ever illuminated your world -- bathed it in a truth that is both at once undeniable, and unforgettable...

A couple hours later you've resumed strangling innocent babies and backhanding the elderly at the slightest provocation. Hating yourself all the way.

The next time that happens, relax loser. Your inferior brain simply isn't designed for you to live a happy, logical life. At least not yet.

I'm going to try to keep the explanation so simple that even a freaking Pollack can understand.

Your mind consists of two main parts. The first is the conscious mind. This is where all the thinking that you're aware of goes on. It's mostly concerned in dealing with your day-to-day problems and trying to come up with solutions-- figuring out what you need to get done, where you need to go, gauging how you are feeling, how to get what you want, etc. Pragmatic stuff.

The second part is the subconscious, or "automatic" part of your mind, comprised of all of the thoughts you don't have to directly think about for action to take place: your heartbeat and breathing are controlled here; it is also the warehouse for all the operating instructions behind your engrained personal habits and beliefs (i.e. tying your shoes, thinking Britney Spears iz teh awsomes!). The overwhelming majority of your thought processes are of this variety.

The conscious mind is where all the programming of habits and beliefs for the eventual automatic handling of the subconscious mind goes down. Which habits and beliefs to be installed there are all decided (in essence) by you, the conscious "aware" you. You tell yourself what is important and what isn't. After enough repetition of either actively doing a task and/or figuring out what you believe about something, your mind will go on autopilot and you no longer have to use up your conscious mental energy to deal with it anymore. What was once a decision -- or very often a struggle -- is now a streamy breeze. One that doesn't even come into your awareness.

An example? (::thinking to myself:: Hmm... forget Pollacks, it's got to be simple enough for a goddamn CHICK to understand... yet not be something that will daunt the even less manlier sissymary dudes who are into self-help that may have clicked here as well... AH-HA, I KNOW!) Take learning how to type. When you're a beginner you have to focus non-stop about where your hands are positioned and where the fuck your fingers are flying all over the place. It's difficult to hit the right keys in the right sequence. You curse, you scream, you throw the keyboard out the fucking window. But as you continue to practice and practice inevitably you don't have to think about the logistics of typing much at all. Almost your entire conscious attention can be placed on whatever retarded ideas you're attempting to compose into grossly illogical/grammatically malformed sentences and paragraphs, not the typing itself. Typing becomes, hmm... "natural".

Incorporating any new habits of belief work the very same way. Repetition is most often the key. You can't just see some movie or read some flowery self-help jargon and expect to change overnight. How many years have you been acting like a jackass? That's some pretty engrained shit right there. You might want to give it more than an afternoon to try and correct that before you throw a hissy fit. Or twenty.

Fortunately and unfortunately, your physical habits and your thought habits are interelated. Fortunately for you you have come here to have My wondrous knowledge bestowed upon thee so that you will no longer be another unfortunate victim of ignorance ever again. At least if you can concentrate enough to read this: If you want to change anything at all about yourself, your primary focus should be on changing your beliefs. Why this isn't stressed more in all the gillions of self-help products out there is a mind-blowing mystery to me.

If you believe that you're a big bloated cow and you believe deep down that you always will be a big bloated cow for any number of reasons you think why, guess what? No matter how tough you may be when you take on your next excruciating diet and weight loss regimen, if no change occurs between your ears during, YOU. WILL. FAIL. Your mind will detect the error ("Why the fuck am I exercising and eating nothing but goddamned wheat germ every day when I know this is hopeless?"). It will look at your new list of commands for yourself to do and scream ERROR when trying to merge them to work in conjunction with the instructions of your earlier implanted bloated-cow inner programming.

Your old habits will return, and order will be restored.

(For the love of Christ someone direct Oprah here, STAT!)

This being the Fast Food (aka Fat Lazy Bastard) Generation, I know most you must be looking for the quick answers right about now. In the next section I'll show you how to get a stronger mental hold on the smaller problems that confound you in an instant. No money down.

Hold On To Your Junk

The process I am about to reveal to you is the most powerful ever created in human history. I channeled it from ancient Viking monks who devoted their lives to the unending pursuit of Common Sense. They picked Me to share their Sacred Knowledge with the world.

This process is trademarked and patented; I normally license out its usage rights to selected recipients to the tune of around 10 grand a year. Since I am such a Benevolent Spirit however, I shall Allow you to use it free of Charge for 30 days. However, if my Lawyers catch wind that you are still using it past this Allotted Period, be certain that they will rain down a wrath of Legal Hell on you for the rest of your days that will cause you to feel nothing except extraordinary relief once it is time for you to cross over and receive your eternal spiritual damnation.

The technique is called The Dumbass Intervention Method (DIM). DIM consists of five steps:

Step # 1: Identify the problem. Pick something small, say a task that doesn't cause an intense emotional reaction, yet is still something that you struggle to complete. The example we'll be using is picking up dog crap. If you were raped while picking up dog crap, choose something else.

Step # 2: Clear your mind. Refuse to think those negative thoughts or feel those negative feelings that come to you when you picture yourself doing this task. Take 5 slow, deep breaths. As you do, pretend your brain has been shut off. You know, like when you're talking to people.

Step # 3: Commit to only thinking positive thoughts about the task at hand. Remember, no negativity allowed -- or at least dwelled upon. Only focus on why you would love picking up the dog crap and/or why it would be benefical for you to do so, e.g:

  • "I love my dog so much, I don't mind being its bitch at all!"
  • "The smell IS enchanting..."
  • "I'll feel much better about myself if I do SOMETHING today..."
  • "Bending down and scooping would actually be a great workout for me..."
  • "Soon I'll have the biggest collection in town!"

Feel those good feelings in your chest. Don't lie to yourself, make them real. Breathe in deep. Magnify those good feelings to twice their size.

Step # 4: Picture the task as already completed. The job is done! Feel how awesome it feels to have it in your rear view window. Picture what you're freed up to do now. Breathe in deep and amplify that positive emotion within you once more. Remember, don't fake. Burst with doody ecstasy.

Step # 5: Run and complete the task with a joyous exuberance that freaks everybody out. I am not liable if you're arrested.

You might be real surprised at the results. Sometimes when I do this I find my subconsious has pushed me into beginning before my previously scheduled conscous commitment to start! I get lost in thought, and all of a sudden I find myself walking toward the goal. Trippy.

Looking at it from a logical perspective though, as in how the human machine operates... what else could happen? If all the negative programming is flushed, and there's nothing but positive instructions are there to take it's place... what else can the computer do?

No, I'm not suggesting you turn into an automaton. But I definitely think you should acknowledge the machine-like aspect that is a part of you. So you can learn how to control your silly self, ironically enough. To go where you want to go.

Some of you must be saying, "Picking up dog crap??? C'mon A-Hole! Help me offa this CRACK, dammit!!!" Bigger problems in general are accompanied by big emotions. Big emotions are like supercharged thoughts. Often it takes awhile to chop those big oak trees down.

Not that the process would be much different than this however. You could use DIM to work on bigger issues. But doing so could very well take you past your allotted free 30 day trial, ergo make sure you have enough Lifetime Savings in the ol' Bank Account to Pay Up if this becomes your choice.


Deep down, I know I can't write anything that will heal all the mental problems overnight for the legions of short-bus masses that read this, no matter how mind-blowingly brilliant I may be. This pains me deeply. 'Cause damn, imagine how crazy rich I'd be if that were possible. Alas, the efficacy of this masterpiece is diminished all too harshly by the cold truths of reality.

For a small percentage of you, sure, this slice of immense genius will be enough. For the overwhelming majority, it will not. Oh, the same spark might come alive. The same realization might take place in those that are able to transform for good. But most will just finish this article and say to themselves, "Yeah, that's what I've got to remember to keep in mind more..." As it falls out, never to be recovered again. The more brazen will scoff, "No shit Sherlock!" Then continue to live their lives the same way they always have. In complete and utter betrayal of that alleged awareness.

No one's blaming you. 'Tardy is as 'tardy does.

You've been poisoned.

I have decided upon a more moderate goal for my wondrous ramblings.

All I want is from now on, if we part ways from here on out and you go on to continue to eat shit along your particular life's path until the day you die, is this: when that shit-eating occurs, for you to be consciously aware that your thoughts took you there, and are taking you wherever you go. That they can be changed, and your life can be changed, if you consciously fill your head on a continual basis with those thoughts you would rather think instead. To think a better thought, over and over and over again is the way to create the better mind, aka better habitual thinking, that will lead you to the life you're dying to live.

When I first was told this, it opened up a glowing new door of realization to me. Change no longer seemed impossible. It no longer meant banging my head against the wall trying to incorporate new behaviors that I went through the motions doing because I hated and despised them, until I thankfully quit and returned to the old ones I detested less. At least when I fail now, I can go, shit, I don't have my head right enough yet. And that really means so much. No more mystery about what's the problem, or beating yourself up.

If your life means anything to you, don't ever forget this.

Oh yeah. I do have another ancillary goal: that this message is spread to everybody in the world.

Think about it. How much better would things be if when people had to overcome difficulities we actually focused on fixing their minds, instead of giving them advice equivalent to "Man up, pussy" or "Just do it" bullcrap?? Despite some progress, isn't that really either the prevalent spoken or disguised belief behind how almost all of humankind works still? Outside of some egghead therapist's office who you've got to pay a hundred bucks an hour to treat you different, of course.

Is it still hard to see that focusing on what your mind is doing is the ultimate solution? Or is it all getting clearer? Does the leap toward what you want to become still look as large as it did, Earthings? DO YOU FEEL THE TREMENDOUS POWER I'M TRYING TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE?? ARE YOU JUST GOING TO READ THIS AND FUCKING FORGET HOW FUCKING EMPOWERED YOU FEEL, LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING TIME YOU'VE BEEN INSPIRED??? OR ARE YOU GOING TO FINALLY TRY AND MAKE HOW YOU FEEL AND THINK RIGHT NOW A PERMANENT PART OF YOU????????

Keep coming back here, I'll keep fucking reminding you. And show you the best ways I know of to help make that stick.

You know when you feel you're heading for your doom. You also know you have within you what it takes to do a 180. The choice is yours, however unconscious you may have relegated it at some point in the past. It doesn't have to be. If you deem the decision important enough.

Or is this it? Continuing on this same course, Harnessed In your literal and figurative Slums until you're sitting around old and gray, still hoping to win some sort of lotto that will fix all your problems -- while the fortunate uppity spazzes who have all the right connections and were lucky enough to have a decent mental upbringing keep on winning everything you really wanted instead, laughing in your face as they do?

Fuck that. You're getting out. Because A-Hole loves you.

The thought revolution begins NOW. With you.

Is waste really all you want?


By The A-Hole Guru

Copyright © 2009 The A-Hole Guru